It was gloomy, one of those days when the weather brings out the darkness within as well as without. I had a million worries on my mind; at the foremost of it all was my work life. I always considered myself something of an above average performing employee. I thought I was well read, spoke well and did all tasks given to me with all my heart and soul. Apparently it was not enough. In the typical way bosses always do, my boss told me I was not doing enough. What exactly did he mean by enough I asked. He said was I not doing enough "out of the ordinary work" - I understood it as I was not doing things beyond the call of duty. I still don't know if my interpretation was right.
My super boss went another leap in the direction of uncertainty with his feedback when he said - I was not energetic enough. Now what was that supposed to mean? I was not bouncy and always smiling at work? I am an introvert and it takes six months for me to say hello to my neighbor, and so how can one expect me to be the office guy who says good morning with gusto every day like it was the start of a vacation day? So if I want to move up the career ladder do I have to fake it? Is the corporate set up only conducive for extroverts?
I then moved on to comparing myself with how my colleagues were performing. There were one or two who, without a doubt, were better than me at what they did. The curse of the average performance was still on my trail. I was always the 4th or 5th ranker in everything I did. Never was I third or above or 7th and below. I was the king of average performance. And at work too I was at the same level. So I was thinking what made me feel so miserable when there were a lot of others who were as good/bad (we're in the middle and so equidistant from bad and good) as me or worse. Why did the bosses decide to pick on me? Was it because I was a meek and docile fellow who would rather shut up than give a wrong answer. I was forever the fearful one - if there was something to be risked I wouldn't attempt it. My fear of failure is extraordinary. I would rather visit the same hotel and have insipid food than go to a new one and fail even if there is an equal chance of huge success.
As the clouds turned grey and my my mind even more grey - I had a task to close. I had to pick Appa up from the station.I picked him up, bought him coffee at one of the best places near home and placed him home. I got hot water running for his bath, put his clothes in the machine for washing and got him his newspapers and magazines. Then I sat listening to his opinions on everything starting from how great our community is to how bad today's kids are. I, in my usual methodology of acquiescing to all my dad does and says, nodded in agreement. It suddenly struck me that I didn't do any of this for my mom. I didn't work hard to make her happy in the smallest of things.
I was working hard to make my father feel comfortable - inwardly I realize, after a lot of feedback from my wife about my favorable treatment of my father, I was afraid of hearing criticism from my dad. As a child I only heard good things from him. When I played foot ball in the house and broke the wall clock he sat laughing and gloating to mom and my siblings about how good a footballer I was. I remember him showering praise on me and saying to anybody who cared to listen, all about my smartness and talents. I remember him boasting about my ability to write neatly, play cricket, speak English, read books etc to everybody he met.
And now after he moved on in life into another family; after all these years when I am an adult he has praise for only others; his nephews and friends sons and daughters. They earn more money, they have moved abroad, they are so smart, they have bought their own house - and so on and so forth. In order to look better in his eyes I do all that I possibly can - to the level of not asking him about why he left us for another woman. My wife asks me why I don't talk to him with the same confidence I have when speaking with mom. She asks me why I don't say no to him even when he asks me to buy insurance in the name of investment, just to fuel that woman's business. I have thought about this long and hard and am not able come up with a logical reason. I lie to myself saying he is alone and does not have the affection of a family, but I know that is not the true reason.
Is it this behavior of mine that tongue ties me and makes me want to always pacify everyone? Is it this fear of wanting to be accepted and liked that is keeping me from reaching my potential? Am i scared to come out of the shell and take chances because I am too scared to fail and look bad in the eyes of all that I assume are watching me? I know that parents behaviors shapes children's dispositions, but can it also impact someone in their teens - especially if it is during the time of some traumatic event like a split in the family?
With all the thoughts in mind I wake up Appa to drop him at his nephews place, the one who has made it big in life and whose son is an IIM graduate. They hardly meet, but he makes a lot of money. The nephew had a heart attack a few months ago and his son was not able to make it to his fathers side. He survived, but I have a feeling he missed his son. Will Appa miss me in times of distress or will he carry the thoughts of a failed son who never lived up to the achievements that the worlds sons threw at their fathers feet?
Will I overcome my fear of failures and overcome my troubles at work? There is a philosophical thought that says self realization is the beginning of change - maybe this is the beginning of my change.
My super boss went another leap in the direction of uncertainty with his feedback when he said - I was not energetic enough. Now what was that supposed to mean? I was not bouncy and always smiling at work? I am an introvert and it takes six months for me to say hello to my neighbor, and so how can one expect me to be the office guy who says good morning with gusto every day like it was the start of a vacation day? So if I want to move up the career ladder do I have to fake it? Is the corporate set up only conducive for extroverts?
I then moved on to comparing myself with how my colleagues were performing. There were one or two who, without a doubt, were better than me at what they did. The curse of the average performance was still on my trail. I was always the 4th or 5th ranker in everything I did. Never was I third or above or 7th and below. I was the king of average performance. And at work too I was at the same level. So I was thinking what made me feel so miserable when there were a lot of others who were as good/bad (we're in the middle and so equidistant from bad and good) as me or worse. Why did the bosses decide to pick on me? Was it because I was a meek and docile fellow who would rather shut up than give a wrong answer. I was forever the fearful one - if there was something to be risked I wouldn't attempt it. My fear of failure is extraordinary. I would rather visit the same hotel and have insipid food than go to a new one and fail even if there is an equal chance of huge success.
As the clouds turned grey and my my mind even more grey - I had a task to close. I had to pick Appa up from the station.I picked him up, bought him coffee at one of the best places near home and placed him home. I got hot water running for his bath, put his clothes in the machine for washing and got him his newspapers and magazines. Then I sat listening to his opinions on everything starting from how great our community is to how bad today's kids are. I, in my usual methodology of acquiescing to all my dad does and says, nodded in agreement. It suddenly struck me that I didn't do any of this for my mom. I didn't work hard to make her happy in the smallest of things.
I was working hard to make my father feel comfortable - inwardly I realize, after a lot of feedback from my wife about my favorable treatment of my father, I was afraid of hearing criticism from my dad. As a child I only heard good things from him. When I played foot ball in the house and broke the wall clock he sat laughing and gloating to mom and my siblings about how good a footballer I was. I remember him showering praise on me and saying to anybody who cared to listen, all about my smartness and talents. I remember him boasting about my ability to write neatly, play cricket, speak English, read books etc to everybody he met.
And now after he moved on in life into another family; after all these years when I am an adult he has praise for only others; his nephews and friends sons and daughters. They earn more money, they have moved abroad, they are so smart, they have bought their own house - and so on and so forth. In order to look better in his eyes I do all that I possibly can - to the level of not asking him about why he left us for another woman. My wife asks me why I don't talk to him with the same confidence I have when speaking with mom. She asks me why I don't say no to him even when he asks me to buy insurance in the name of investment, just to fuel that woman's business. I have thought about this long and hard and am not able come up with a logical reason. I lie to myself saying he is alone and does not have the affection of a family, but I know that is not the true reason.
Is it this behavior of mine that tongue ties me and makes me want to always pacify everyone? Is it this fear of wanting to be accepted and liked that is keeping me from reaching my potential? Am i scared to come out of the shell and take chances because I am too scared to fail and look bad in the eyes of all that I assume are watching me? I know that parents behaviors shapes children's dispositions, but can it also impact someone in their teens - especially if it is during the time of some traumatic event like a split in the family?
With all the thoughts in mind I wake up Appa to drop him at his nephews place, the one who has made it big in life and whose son is an IIM graduate. They hardly meet, but he makes a lot of money. The nephew had a heart attack a few months ago and his son was not able to make it to his fathers side. He survived, but I have a feeling he missed his son. Will Appa miss me in times of distress or will he carry the thoughts of a failed son who never lived up to the achievements that the worlds sons threw at their fathers feet?
Will I overcome my fear of failures and overcome my troubles at work? There is a philosophical thought that says self realization is the beginning of change - maybe this is the beginning of my change.
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