Love marriage or arranged marriage? No marriage perhaps?

       

                       Image sources - http://www.monkeygag.com/life-of-a-married-man/

       
        Ok ok, I know some of you more cheeky ones will say - no marriage! :p But that discussion is for another time.

          A dear friend of mine was going through a patch in her life, that patch of an Indian woman's life when everybody except her, thinks she should have been married ages ago. With that societal pressure fulled by relatives asking the poor girls parents at every event, function and non event as to why she is still single, the parents jump into groom hunting. Catch the marriage broker, inform the relatives, post profile online, pass on the message to that well connected aunt who walks around with boys profiles in her hand bag all the time. This war! Are we ready! - That's the kind of preparation that goes on. 

          This friends father had selected a few potential candidates that he saw fit for his daughter, but the daughter, my friend, didn't like any of them. On a little interrogation I found out why; it was plain and simple - the father wanted a down to earth, functional, "good boy", traditional Tamil guy while the daughter wanted a smart looking, well dressed, city bred, humorous, much more than functional guy. Their expectations were poles apart. And so ensued disappointment in my friend.I suggested that she find a guy that she likes and take things forward from there. And with that the discussion in my mind started - love marriage or arranged marriage?

          First lets clear the air of some misconceptions and stereotypes. Not all love marriages are happy, neither are all arranged marriages morose. In fact I believe that today's arranged marriages are similar to love marriages. Once the couple in engaged they are given ample time to find reasons to spurn each other - unlike the older days when you met, you saw and then you had kids. The question one needs to ask today is not whether it should be a love marriage or an arranged one. The question should be - what kind of a human being would I want to spend the rest of my life with?

          Ask today's youth what qualities they look for in a potential partner and I can safely say 99% of them would say the same thing - Looks, education, money, "decent" family (are there indecent families?), and some people, the more planned ones, would look for a house without a mother in law, or a partner without siblings etc for their comfort - I am not kidding, there are people who look for partners with those backgrounds. 

         Now my question is, does any of the above contribute to a happy marriage ? If you said yes, you my friend, are under an illusion. In my opinion, none of these will keep a marriage happy. Not the money, not the looks, not the "decent family" tag and not the education either. What will keep a marriage happy though are a little deeper aspects that most people happily ignore and regret later. 

          The first thing one needs to look for in a partner is the values he/she lives by. If the partners have values that tend to negate each other, there are bound to be a lot of issues.  For eg: One of my major values in life in fairness to everyone. I hate unfairness in anything, irrespective of if that unfairness is to me or anybody else. Imagine I was married to someone whose value was success at all costs - we would end up fighting every day because our values are constantly being trudged upon every day. So when you meet a potential candidate for the position of life partner you should talk, ask questions, observe. Obviously not every value will match, but there will be some values which you are not willing to compromise on and thats what you need to look for. What are those values? Don't worry, you'll know it when you spend enough time with your partner and he/she does that one thing that drives you crazy!

           Next in the list to look for are those traits that you would want your man/woman to have, as in behavioral/emotional traits, not financial etc. You may have your thoughts about the partner who would be super energetic and always raring to go for any kind of fun activity. Some people may want that partner who is humorous ( Take this form me, majority of women like humour in a guy. I have asked a lot of women what they like in their spouses and humour always comes in the top 5). Some people want a partner who is extra responsible because they are not and some want partners who agree to everything they say (that works in the dating phase, post marriage - it wont!). 

          And finally the trump card. The only two things that make a marriage happy. Love and compromise. Ok if "compromise" seems like a compromise you can use the word"understanding" or "adjusting" etc, but basically its compromise. When you marry you need to be ready to go half way to make things better. You cannot stand at your end of the room and ask your partner to do all the adjusting. That's sure shot recipe for disaster. At the same time you need to make sure your partner is willing to come half the way for you. 

         So lets say that you enjoy drinking with your buddies and used to do it every other day before marriage. Post the wedding, your wife does not like you drinking every other day with buddies. You would have to cut down the number of times and she would have to agree to it happening once in a while. That's the only possible solution that will keep both you guys happy. If you said you would do it every day or if she said you had to stop it completely, you wouldn't be here reading this blog, you'd be busy flinging things at each other.   

          So if you're looking for that right match - remember, there is no right match. And you have to be willing to be a right match to find your right match.