His mind was in shambles. He couldn't focus anymore on work nor could he focus on Ashwini as she now nibbled his ears playfully. His attention was constantly on how he was going to break the news to Priya. He was imagining all the possible reactions it would elicit. He had now been with her for over 5 years but was not able to imagine what her reaction would be. Would she be angry? Would she cry and shut herself in the room? Would she take the new kitchen knife they had got and stab him?
What bothered him even more was the fact that she had not yet discovered his secret. She was extremely smart and never missed noticing things about him no matter how small like a small change in his demeanor or a change in the way his clothes smelt and so on. He consoled himself saying it was his guilt ridden mind playing tricks.
"Are you not in the mood Ashok?" Ashwini asked. "You seem lost these days. You are forever immersed in your own thoughts. You only make a few hours time for me and that too you spend on your stupid office thoughts.
He was relieved she thought it was office thoughts. He didn't want another of those fights about him not telling Priya about them. He meant to break it open and get it over with but he was not able to find the courage. She had been a devoted wife, always on the lookout for him and the kids. He was not able to tell her that he expected more out of life than her just being a good wife and mother. He wanted her to join him in his social circle, to be a balancing figure in his life. Their lifestyles were disparate and he knew it from the beginning. But he didn't imagine that one difference would lead him here, into another woman's arms.
"Priya, you know me so well. Yes it is office work that is bothering me" he said and hugged her tight as he kissed her. As he switched off the light, a fleeting image of Priya lying on the couch waiting for him to join her for dinner passed his mind. He ignored it and joined Ashwini under the sheets.
When he left Ashwini's place it was already 11 PM. It was an hour past the time he had said he would be home. Earlier he would call Priya and inform her of delays, but they became so frequent off late that he didn't inform her and she didn't ask. He had told her that he was given the additional responsibility of managing a few more clients accounts and so had to stay up late for a few days. This was what he had told her a year back since his affair started. The very same socializing that he considered important in his life gave him the circumstance or rather the opportunity to get into all of this. It was an office party at one of the best bars in town. He had been drinking hard and ended up dancing with a girl.
From there the usual courting and things happened and the lying at home as well. A few months down the line he told Ashwini of his marriage, along with a barrage of lies about an unhappy marriage and how it was killing him. It was a blatant lie and he knew it, he was in a marriage of complete pleasantness, but he wanted more. He wanted excitement, not the boring secure marriage he was in.
He promised Ashwini he would end it as soon as the time was right. He played the same story every day until now. She understood his fear and threatened to end it if he did not take the next step.
He stopped at the corner shop to light a cigarette, to delay the inevitable by a few more minutes. He reminisced about the days when he felt so in love with Priya and he didn't know how to express it. Was he making a mistake? His mind wanted it all. Priya's love, care, affection and stability and Ashwini's excitement, spontaneity and youth. Somewhere in all these thoughts he decided he was making a mistake but he was too deep into it all now.
He got home and as he had expected she lay on the couch waiting for him. He sat beside her and she smiled as she arose and saw him.She got up to serve dinner and he said he had eaten. She still had a half-hearted smile though her disappointment came through.
"Priya - there is something I have to talk to you about."
"Tell me Ashok" she said, smiling still.
"I am sorry Priya, there is someone in my life other than you. I am in love with someone else" he said plaintively as if he was the one hurt.
He watched her with discerning eyes, to see what she was thinking, to see how she would react.
She sat down on the couch and still smiling looked at him. "I know Ashok. I have known it from the time it started. I knew it from the time you came home late from that office party. You have no idea how much I know you. Even the smallest things about you are of utmost importance to me. You think I didn't know when you skipped meals at home all these days? I waited for two reasons Ashok. One was in the hope that it was a mistake and that you'd set it right and come clean and the second; I wanted you to come and tell me rather than me ask. Please don't ask forgiveness and abase yourself. I am still in love with you and will be for who you were, but this is not one of those things that is forgiven and dealt with.
I have applied for work again and am starting off this coming week. I will move out with the kids in a weeks time. Good night"
He sat in the darkness, his mind doing the if only argument. If only he hadn't drunk as much. If only he hadn't met Ashwini. He now knew for sure that it was mistake of massive proportions. He also knew it was destroyed now- his happy marriage. There was no way it was going to be set straight.
What bothered him even more was the fact that she had not yet discovered his secret. She was extremely smart and never missed noticing things about him no matter how small like a small change in his demeanor or a change in the way his clothes smelt and so on. He consoled himself saying it was his guilt ridden mind playing tricks.
"Are you not in the mood Ashok?" Ashwini asked. "You seem lost these days. You are forever immersed in your own thoughts. You only make a few hours time for me and that too you spend on your stupid office thoughts.
He was relieved she thought it was office thoughts. He didn't want another of those fights about him not telling Priya about them. He meant to break it open and get it over with but he was not able to find the courage. She had been a devoted wife, always on the lookout for him and the kids. He was not able to tell her that he expected more out of life than her just being a good wife and mother. He wanted her to join him in his social circle, to be a balancing figure in his life. Their lifestyles were disparate and he knew it from the beginning. But he didn't imagine that one difference would lead him here, into another woman's arms.
"Priya, you know me so well. Yes it is office work that is bothering me" he said and hugged her tight as he kissed her. As he switched off the light, a fleeting image of Priya lying on the couch waiting for him to join her for dinner passed his mind. He ignored it and joined Ashwini under the sheets.
When he left Ashwini's place it was already 11 PM. It was an hour past the time he had said he would be home. Earlier he would call Priya and inform her of delays, but they became so frequent off late that he didn't inform her and she didn't ask. He had told her that he was given the additional responsibility of managing a few more clients accounts and so had to stay up late for a few days. This was what he had told her a year back since his affair started. The very same socializing that he considered important in his life gave him the circumstance or rather the opportunity to get into all of this. It was an office party at one of the best bars in town. He had been drinking hard and ended up dancing with a girl.
From there the usual courting and things happened and the lying at home as well. A few months down the line he told Ashwini of his marriage, along with a barrage of lies about an unhappy marriage and how it was killing him. It was a blatant lie and he knew it, he was in a marriage of complete pleasantness, but he wanted more. He wanted excitement, not the boring secure marriage he was in.
He promised Ashwini he would end it as soon as the time was right. He played the same story every day until now. She understood his fear and threatened to end it if he did not take the next step.
He stopped at the corner shop to light a cigarette, to delay the inevitable by a few more minutes. He reminisced about the days when he felt so in love with Priya and he didn't know how to express it. Was he making a mistake? His mind wanted it all. Priya's love, care, affection and stability and Ashwini's excitement, spontaneity and youth. Somewhere in all these thoughts he decided he was making a mistake but he was too deep into it all now.
He got home and as he had expected she lay on the couch waiting for him. He sat beside her and she smiled as she arose and saw him.She got up to serve dinner and he said he had eaten. She still had a half-hearted smile though her disappointment came through.
"Priya - there is something I have to talk to you about."
"Tell me Ashok" she said, smiling still.
"I am sorry Priya, there is someone in my life other than you. I am in love with someone else" he said plaintively as if he was the one hurt.
He watched her with discerning eyes, to see what she was thinking, to see how she would react.
She sat down on the couch and still smiling looked at him. "I know Ashok. I have known it from the time it started. I knew it from the time you came home late from that office party. You have no idea how much I know you. Even the smallest things about you are of utmost importance to me. You think I didn't know when you skipped meals at home all these days? I waited for two reasons Ashok. One was in the hope that it was a mistake and that you'd set it right and come clean and the second; I wanted you to come and tell me rather than me ask. Please don't ask forgiveness and abase yourself. I am still in love with you and will be for who you were, but this is not one of those things that is forgiven and dealt with.
I have applied for work again and am starting off this coming week. I will move out with the kids in a weeks time. Good night"
He sat in the darkness, his mind doing the if only argument. If only he hadn't drunk as much. If only he hadn't met Ashwini. He now knew for sure that it was mistake of massive proportions. He also knew it was destroyed now- his happy marriage. There was no way it was going to be set straight.
Wow....
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