Rain

He sat brewing his coffee with the past knocking his door.It was her memories knocking at the door of his consciousness.

He lived in his misery. It strangely gave him comfort, to sleep all day and be bitter and miserable and think of the unfairness of the world. If only he had believed in the concept of a God – he would have someone to blame, and someone to ask – why me?

 He just didn’t feel like talking to anyone or seeing anyone or for even hearing words of comfort anymore. He was irritated when somebody offered him solace through words of comfort. How hollow it was, for people to come and say how sweet she was and how good a person she was and say, it was too bad when in reality for them it was another person who passed away into the realm of the unknown.

And on this day after 15 days after that fateful day he began to re-live that day as he had every day since then.

If only someone had walked before her that day. If only he had walked before her. If only the monsoon started later. If only the electricity board worked more efficiently. And a hundred other “if only’s” passed through his mind giving him a moment of false comfort as his mind imagined all the “if only’s” materializing. And when he ran out of any more “if only’s” the scene came back to him. As he stood at the shop he always bought cigarettes, buying his stock for the beautiful rainy day, looking forward to his hot cup of coffee and a smoke in the verandah watching the rains.

Vaani walked ahead enjoying the rains and happily getting drenched – always the filmy romantic, she found getting wet in the rain a very pleasant act and somehow associated it with being happy. He was amused at her this thought and thought if only he was stricter with her maybe he would’ve had her still.

She walked on the naked wire that had snapped and was lying hidden in the puddle of water. She couldn’t even scream. The power of the current was so strong it sapped her life and then flung her in the water a few feet away. She was dead. Just like that. Vaani – the love of his life, his angel, his mother and child and wife and friend; one death had killed so many relationships.

He carried her to the clinic knowing well there was no point, but a desperate thought told him, she was still ok. His tears mixed with the rain and disappeared making him think how it was exactly his lifes situation – one more death in the thousands happening, just like his tears mixing in the rain. But to the person closest – how heart rending it was. He shuddered as he thought of the others who had died. Vaani was still alive; his mind deceived him as he carried her.

The doctor said she had passed away – and he didn’t cry anymore. He informed his parents and hers. And as they sat in his apartment crying and letting their grief flow out as tears and words and actions, he sat in the corner of the sofa he always sat at  staring blankly at the white shrouded body that lay before him.

After the ceremonies he slept. And these fifteen days sleep had been his companion. Every moment he was awake she ruled his mind. She had left behind too many memories. Everything he saw, heard, smelled or touched reminded him of her. His parents asked him to stay with them. He declined afraid that if he moved, her memories would leave him and the pain was unbearable.

It began to rain as he sat this day staring out of his kitchen window making his coffee. He went to the verandah to have his smoke and coffee and watch the rain. To watch the rain that had snatched his life away from him.

He wondered why he was alive. He had searched high and low for a purpose in life and had found it – Vaani’s happiness. But it was not there anymore. He began to fear he was going to live an empty hollow life always trying to fill it with her memories which would eventually with time also leave him.

It was pouring now and he loved to see the rain drops whiz down to the ground. They looked like little missiles. He had always wondered what happened to one when they died. Did they just decay –were we just our bodies? Or was there another world? The question fascinated him.

As he fell from the parapet, the rain drop whizzed past him like missiles and he thought of how much she loved getting wet in the rain. He then understood how good it felt…..