Ammini Amma

          The pallu of her saree grazing his face reminded me of the days of childhood hidden in the comforts of Amma's warm caresses and cuddles. The way Amma's saree provided me with a safe hiding spot. The semi transparent pallu being used as a partition between the world and myself. Along with all these memories came the warm feelings of security,fun and above all that, tender, comforting love. The warm kitchen smells that the saree always carried with it. Her soft hands pinching my cheeks, ruffling my hair and giving me those small pats of caring "punishment"

          Amma's soothing words drowning out all the noises of the world and drifting me off to a deep and peaceful slumber. Her soft lullabies and her bright smile. Her long hair that she always put away in a bun while she was busy making our home a more comfortable one. In hind sight even that small act of hers was a sacrifice for us. She chose to bind her beautiful tresses and do the house work so that we may grow up with the best of memories and she didn't fail on that count.

          The number of times she has stood up to Appa for me. The naughty acknowledging smile she gave me when she knew I was buttering her to get something done from her. The innumerable times she broke her safety fund from the rice "jaadi" when I asked her for money. The extra dosa that she made and said "I have made on more already, have this one more please, it'll be wasted" knowing fully well it wont be wasted. Or the way she always poured extra curry and then said "One more dosa mone, finish off that sambar kutta".

          The way she cried with pride when my college professor came up and said "Krishnan is the best student I have had. He is going to do great in life." The way she hugged me whenever I left for hostel. The boxes of murukkus and achappams she packed after toiling at the stove the whole night and then chiding me for not taking enough. The obvious lie she constantly repeated about how thin I had become, even if I had gained weight.

          The way she used the end of her saree to dry my head after a bath, right until I started going to college. The pride in her voice as she spoke of me to relatives and neighbours. Amma's quick response of "poda, I am well. You go get ready and come for dinner" when I asked her to rest on coming home late and telling her I would manage dinner myself. Amma's eyes that communicated only genuine concern about whether I had had dinner after I came home after a drinking bout. Never was there anger or remorse, just concern. Amma's teasing remarks about the kind of lazy husband I would make.

          Ashwini's saree grazing against my face while we stood on the terrace of our home reminded me of Amma. The way Amma pured her love for me. I turned out good. I would have made her proud. As all these nostalgic thoughts filled my head, Ammini came out tot he terrace. She smiled that naughty smile, the smile that had been a part of my life for so many wonderful years and had ceased to exist.

         Ammini - My Amma and my daughter, the women with the naughty smiles. I smiled to myself. Amma was here to stay, My Ammini amma was here to stay.

       

          

I was in love

          With her life was joyful. The most mundane things were suddenly exciting. There was a purpose and a reason for my every action. Waking up to her warm body and even warmer smile was all I needed;nothing else mattered. The gifts we gave, the feelings it bought. The surprises we showered each other with, the kisses and hugs. This was how life was supposed to be. The rainy days were the best. We spent the days in bed cuddling and doing sweet nothing. Her constant need to be coddled and cosseted, her eyes pleading for it and her sweet mumbling for me to take her in my arms. The sweet love we made and sweet nothings we spoke about. An entire lifetime would be planned in the span of the day. All our dreams were shared then and there and we knew it really didn't matter if those dreams came true or not, we had each other.

         She had begun to learn to cook for me. She wasn't great at it, but I didn't care neither did she. We were not bound by society or by family. She loved me and I her. We didn't look for acceptance by anybody. In fact nobody except the security guard of my apartment complex knew about her. She would come to my place in the morning on her way to work. We would spend the morning together after which she would head for work and I sat down to write something that I could sell. On week ends she would cook up some reason or the other and be there first thing in the morning. I never felt what I felt for her with anybody else. Her absence drove me mad. I had to have to see her every day. I had to feel her body against mine. I had to feel those moist lips on mine. I was in love, madly in it.

          We had met online. I had initiated a conversation with purely carnal intentions. And that is how I thought it would be. I did manage to get her out on a few dates and one day we were in my apartment. She was ready as I was for her. As we made love in the moonlight' I saw her eyes, those beautiful eyes, soulful eyes and I think I had some inkling of a thought that said, this was to stay. This was the woman. I called her the next day and the day after and every day after that. I itched for her every attention, constantly looking at my mobile phone for a ring or a beep that would be her thoughts about me. I longed for her caress, for her sweet smelling presence around me. Her tantalizing breath inflaming my soul and stirring in me feelings I had just discovered. I craved her touch. I was addicted to this woman. I was in love.

          We decided to marry. Not for society, not for family. We decided to have a ceremony to celebrate our love. We decided that our wedding was a ceremony that would symbolize our eternal love for each other. And so we did it with friends and family as per her traditions. She was the papa's girl and she wanted her papa to do the honours of placing her hands in mine. We were now Mr and Mrs. She was now mine. I was in love.

         4 years had passed. The love was as strong as ever. I still longed for her tight hugs at the end of a tiring day. The intensity and passion mellowed down and from it emerged a much more stable and strong caring sort of love. The kind of love where you give up the best seat for your partner, you cover her during the chilly night or make sure she has taken her medicines. The gestures changed, the life style changed, the priorities changed, the love never did. I secretly often thought at how lonely and miserable I would be if something happened to her. The mind is a twisted thing. It thinks the exact thought you never want to think about. Maybe it wants you to be prepared for the worst. And then it happened. A rainy day that we should have just spent like we did the old days, cuddled inside the comfort of our home. She had gone out to buy the household necessities in her new scooter. It was a scooter that she loved so much and both of us had saved up quite difficultly for. She lost balance when the scooter went into a pothole and slammed her head on the pavement.

          The phone call from the hospital actually gave me relief rather than despair. I was worried about her not having reached home and her not picking my calls. I even went looking for her with no result. The hospital room in its white hues. The green bed spread and a mask over her face. I forced my mind to believe everything will be alright, for fear of a bad though influencing the outcome. I held her hand and waited for her to wake up and say she is feeling ok. I was in love.

          It had been 7 years. She had gone on. Where to I don't know. I ride that scooter now. I still stay at the same house. I still sleep in the same bed. But the scent is not there anymore. The warmth is long gone. I cook for myself. I live in the memories of the best years of my life. I was still in love, hurtfully in it.



       


       

10 Sure shot signs that its over

       

Image source - http://www.elsaelsa.com/astrology/2014/04/15/divorce-surge-in-may-2014/

        Food items on your head, a swollen eye, torn up clothes. I believe these, go without saying, are a 100% signs. Let's go to the points that are a little subtler and which most of us employ to cut off people form our lives.

1. I was so busy I didn't find time to message or call even once today - Even Barack Obama, Kamal Hassan, why even your "busy" boss will have, or rather, make the time to communicate with their loved ones. If you are in love and your partner says this often, lets say about 7 days in a row - be sure, there is something or someone wrong in your life.

2. When you don't get some. - Its an open statement. "Some" could be replaced with sex, heavy petting, kiss on the cheek, holding hands etc. Basically something that you had been given earlier and now its in hard supply. Why? Simple. For a person not in love, a caring touch that reiterates the liking is a wrong signal to send out when the intention is to end the relationship.

3. You find it hard to keep the your partner happy - When you start finding in increasingly difficult to make your partner smile. Things that gave them joy earlier are painful now. When you are confused and doing over time just to figure out what will bring those smiles back - there is an issue.

4. When spending time together isn't exciting anymore - When you are all excited about visiting her/him after some time apart or you are jumping in joy about the trip you're going to take together and he/she dunks your sweet anticipation in a bucket of freezing water. Well, its time to move on buddy.

5. When saying I love you is a one way statement - When your partner suddenly finds it hard to say those three words, when those words gets stuck at the back of their throat for fear of prolonging something that they want to get done with. Set sail my friend, catch the next boat out.

6. When the fights start being really destructive - Couples fight all the time. But when these fights become poisonous to the level of demeaning the partner or causing hurt which goes without apologies there is something wrong. And when these fights are the only form of communication happening, then it definitely is over.

7. When it feels strange to meet - After some time of being away like in a long distance relationship, when you meet again and it feels like you don't know this person anymore. If it feels like meeting for the first time all over again, I think its a sign.

8. When mutually enjoyed activities are no fun anymore - Lets say you guys loved going to the beach. And then all of a sudden for your partner, going to the beach was too much of a task, it was too far away, it was too windy and all those stupid lame reasons pop up, steel up your heart my friend.

9. When they don't care anymore - Lets say your partner hated your smoking habit. One day they suddenly stop caring about it. They don't ask you about it anymore and you are confused to hell about this attitude. The truth of the matter is this. Only a person who cares about you will ever ask you to let go of some unhealthy issue of yours. In fact I always say this, its not hatred that confirms its over, it's indifference that is the true indicator.

10. When you seem to be doing everything - When you start noticing that you are the one calling, you are the one patching up,you are the one that always gives up, you are the one even trying to keep the relationship alive. Trust me, if its a relationship that both partners value, without a doubt both would make it work, not one of them alone. And so that's a sign as well.

While all these are signs, its is obviously not strict rules nor are they certified by anyone. They are not exhaustive either, just a few pearls of wisdom collected from personal experiences of a lot of people around me and of course my own as well.

Love marriage or arranged marriage? No marriage perhaps?

       

                       Image sources - http://www.monkeygag.com/life-of-a-married-man/

       
        Ok ok, I know some of you more cheeky ones will say - no marriage! :p But that discussion is for another time.

          A dear friend of mine was going through a patch in her life, that patch of an Indian woman's life when everybody except her, thinks she should have been married ages ago. With that societal pressure fulled by relatives asking the poor girls parents at every event, function and non event as to why she is still single, the parents jump into groom hunting. Catch the marriage broker, inform the relatives, post profile online, pass on the message to that well connected aunt who walks around with boys profiles in her hand bag all the time. This war! Are we ready! - That's the kind of preparation that goes on. 

          This friends father had selected a few potential candidates that he saw fit for his daughter, but the daughter, my friend, didn't like any of them. On a little interrogation I found out why; it was plain and simple - the father wanted a down to earth, functional, "good boy", traditional Tamil guy while the daughter wanted a smart looking, well dressed, city bred, humorous, much more than functional guy. Their expectations were poles apart. And so ensued disappointment in my friend.I suggested that she find a guy that she likes and take things forward from there. And with that the discussion in my mind started - love marriage or arranged marriage?

          First lets clear the air of some misconceptions and stereotypes. Not all love marriages are happy, neither are all arranged marriages morose. In fact I believe that today's arranged marriages are similar to love marriages. Once the couple in engaged they are given ample time to find reasons to spurn each other - unlike the older days when you met, you saw and then you had kids. The question one needs to ask today is not whether it should be a love marriage or an arranged one. The question should be - what kind of a human being would I want to spend the rest of my life with?

          Ask today's youth what qualities they look for in a potential partner and I can safely say 99% of them would say the same thing - Looks, education, money, "decent" family (are there indecent families?), and some people, the more planned ones, would look for a house without a mother in law, or a partner without siblings etc for their comfort - I am not kidding, there are people who look for partners with those backgrounds. 

         Now my question is, does any of the above contribute to a happy marriage ? If you said yes, you my friend, are under an illusion. In my opinion, none of these will keep a marriage happy. Not the money, not the looks, not the "decent family" tag and not the education either. What will keep a marriage happy though are a little deeper aspects that most people happily ignore and regret later. 

          The first thing one needs to look for in a partner is the values he/she lives by. If the partners have values that tend to negate each other, there are bound to be a lot of issues.  For eg: One of my major values in life in fairness to everyone. I hate unfairness in anything, irrespective of if that unfairness is to me or anybody else. Imagine I was married to someone whose value was success at all costs - we would end up fighting every day because our values are constantly being trudged upon every day. So when you meet a potential candidate for the position of life partner you should talk, ask questions, observe. Obviously not every value will match, but there will be some values which you are not willing to compromise on and thats what you need to look for. What are those values? Don't worry, you'll know it when you spend enough time with your partner and he/she does that one thing that drives you crazy!

           Next in the list to look for are those traits that you would want your man/woman to have, as in behavioral/emotional traits, not financial etc. You may have your thoughts about the partner who would be super energetic and always raring to go for any kind of fun activity. Some people may want that partner who is humorous ( Take this form me, majority of women like humour in a guy. I have asked a lot of women what they like in their spouses and humour always comes in the top 5). Some people want a partner who is extra responsible because they are not and some want partners who agree to everything they say (that works in the dating phase, post marriage - it wont!). 

          And finally the trump card. The only two things that make a marriage happy. Love and compromise. Ok if "compromise" seems like a compromise you can use the word"understanding" or "adjusting" etc, but basically its compromise. When you marry you need to be ready to go half way to make things better. You cannot stand at your end of the room and ask your partner to do all the adjusting. That's sure shot recipe for disaster. At the same time you need to make sure your partner is willing to come half the way for you. 

         So lets say that you enjoy drinking with your buddies and used to do it every other day before marriage. Post the wedding, your wife does not like you drinking every other day with buddies. You would have to cut down the number of times and she would have to agree to it happening once in a while. That's the only possible solution that will keep both you guys happy. If you said you would do it every day or if she said you had to stop it completely, you wouldn't be here reading this blog, you'd be busy flinging things at each other.   

          So if you're looking for that right match - remember, there is no right match. And you have to be willing to be a right match to find your right match.